Dragon Age Z: A Crackfic
by Ralxyr
Summary: Kordian doesn't want to live on this planet anymore so we all go to Thedas to fight maleficar and learn the scientific fax! The result of my friends and I getting really bored. I'm ashamed that this is my first post. Also, this does not involve DBZ.


**DRAGON AGE Z**

_The result of three deranged friends trolling on Facebook._

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><p>After being told things he never wanted to know, Kordian Sobieski decided he didn't want to live on this planet anymore. So we went to Kirkwall and looted this random house that was filled with insanely amazing equipment.<p>

And so Kordian Sobieski the Metalbreaker of Nevarra, result of yet ANOTHER of King Maric's affairs, and Ralek Sirocci the Slick of Antiva went to Thedas to purify the realm from the dark, evil maleficar threatening the lands. Their troubles will be long and many but in the end, it will all lead up to the power of light...and the scientific fax.

Kordian established himself as a great warrior in the name of the Chantry, and Ralek found favor with an ancient God of Night. Despite his heretical beliefs, these two were the Chantry's only hope to defeat the rebelling mages.

The Great War on Magic will be ended in the Chantry's favor, but the 6th Blight that follows will end the short peace. And even worse, the Old God Lusacan was corrupted, who was Ralek Sirocci the Slick's patron god. This happened shortly after Val Royeaux was destroyed, along with the Divine. With much of their power lost,will these two heroes be able to save the world yet again?

But another prophecy is told as from far lands of Rivain, Eridan Tendren the Quick will come and aid our two heroes against the dark forces. Kordian the Metalbreaker yet struggles with himself, torn between his beautiful wife and his smoking hot mistress. He wishes to do good under the will of the Maker but can he put aside everything to do so?

And so, Eridan Tendren the Quick aided our two heroes. With the power of the sword Vigilance by his side, no man or beast will withstand his wrath. With Kordian Sobieski the Metalbreaker and Ralek Sirocci the Slick, these three heroes are an unstoppable force.

The group traveled to the Anderfels and gained the support of the Grey Wardens. The heroes were able to eventually slay Lusacan thanks to a ritual taught to them by Flemeth. This transferred the uncorrupted power of Lusacan to his last follower, Ralek Sirocci the Slick. Though this was unknown to him, and it would take years for the process to complete.

But even in this time of peace, Kordian the Metalbreaker departed to go to the lands of Par Vollen to overthrow the Qunari on a new Exalted March and avenge his beloved's innocence. She was a slave when he met her and with this motive he will always try to give her another chance yet there is still the mistress that won't stop contacting him.

And then, when the Exalted March took a turn for the worst for our heroes, the great general Brian Dęćdziesięciokilkoletniemu Derpelli the Troll of Wycome appeared with a ten thousand strong army, and attacked the Qunari from all sides!

As Kordian the Metalbreaker realized this was an opportunity he charged along from the skies of heaven but as he let out his warcry...it was the name of his mistress...Kordian then stopped and through the unfathomable rage of the concept of love's death he entered a berserk rage and began annihilating the Qunari.

And then Eridan Tendren, with the power of Vigilance, the sentient Dragon Sword, transformed into Drake Terror, a powerful draconic humanoid, destroying soldiers left and right. He then flew up into the and pounded back into the ground, releasing a mighty shock wave of death. Eridan then reverted to his human form and observed the damage he had done with a smile on his face.

At this point, Ralek Sirocci the Slick used the powers bestowed upon him by Flemeth to turn into a great dragon, a new Tevinter God, Kokabizale, Old God of Stars, and unleashed a hellstorm of black fire upon the Qunari. Seeing the results, he saw fit to raise the Qunari dead as a zombie army under his control.

With the Qunari destroyed and the loss of Kordian Sobieski's love, the Nevarran cursed the heavens, cursing them for taking what he loved most.

And from the ashes Kordian the Metalbreaker stood and condemned ALL dem' mothafukkahs!

Brian Dęćdziesięciokilkoletniemu Derpelli then promptly left, gone as soon as he came, saying he only came to troll the Qunari.

But even then nothing would make Kordian the Metalbreaker recover from the loss of his beloved Bianca.

How he loved her so but then...that love just left. How would he explain himself?

He didn't have to, for he had a new purpose in life, to eradicate those who do wrong or threaten others. With Eridan Tendren the Quick and Kokabizale the Star God by his side. He had all that he needed.

But then, in a flash of godly light, Andraste, Bride of the Maker, a blatant copy of Jesus and Joan of Arc, appeared, and returned Bianca to Kordian Sobieski the Metalbreaker as a reward for his services to the Maker.

He lived happily with her once more and stopped talking to his mistress all together but when Kokabizale the Star God arrived to the flags of Kordian's domain bringing news of the return of Ancient Aliens, Kordian took his Kilij and with a kiss from Bianca, he was off to face the beings that created all this bullshit panic with Eridan Tendren the Quick and Kokabizale the Star God.

Andraste then bestowed upon the three warriors the divine quest to lead an expedition to reclaim the Golden City, seat of the Maker, from the Trickster God Fen'Harel who ousted him so many years ago.

The obscure God Namco then bestowed the power of Soul Edge onto Eridan without the risk of copyright. Wtih Soul Edge in one hand and Vigilance in the other, he was an unstoppable force.

They soon met Kerxaro The Dark One, a powerful Pride Demon, trying to tempt the heroes to his service. Knowing exactly what to do, Kokabizale the Star God used all of his rougeish cunning and level four coercion to make a contract that ended up binding the demon to the groups control, giving them a new ally.

And with Jan III Sobieski's ceremonial sword of Nevarra, Bianca's cross, Kordian gave light and smashed Kerxaro's fucking face with Andraste, for it was the will of the Maker.

And then Eridan absorbed Keran's soul into Soul Edge, further increasing his power.

However, as a God himself, albeit weak, Kokabizale the Star God ressurcted Kerxaro as a Vampire, giving him the title of the Ghost. Soul Edge was given the soul of Keny Allani the Dumb as a trade.

Eridan then found Keny's soul and banished it into eternal damnation, for the trade was stupid.

With this powerful group, Kordian Sobieski the Metalbreaker stormed into the Black City, and fought in single combat against Fen'Harel. Upon the Trickster God's defeat, however, the Forgotten Ones were released from their prisons. Luckily, some minor heroes known as the Warden and Hawke were kind enough to have killed two of them by accident years prior.

This left only Ishmael and the Formless One to be killed. They were still a huge threat however, each with the power to kill Kokabizale twice over.

Kordian then dropped his sword, fell to his knees and in anguish and exclaimed..."FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

The heroes went to great lengths to try and defeat these demons, but failed at every turn.

But luckily, seeing as the two demons were only souls, Eridan Tendren the Quick absorbed the two into Soul Edge and the threat was ended. Unfortunately, this corrupted him, and turned him into Nightmare, a villainous Azure Knight hell bent on destroying the world. Kokabizale the Star God was forced into an Underground prison like the Old Gods by the Maker, leaving only the Metalbreaker to fight this new threat.

In Kordian's moment of despair, none other than Stephano came to save him, without making a noise.

Stephano then called Kordian Sobieski an idiot for not bringing him, but quickly forgave for he remembered all the adventures they had together.

Rakizale, the Old God of Mystery, revealed the location of Soul Edge to Kordian Sobieski in the form of a riddle in his dreams. Kokabizale, Old God of Stars, felt the Darkspawn growing nearer and nearer, and sent out a desperate call to the Grey Wardens to free him. Only Keran Joseph the Pious responded to his call, and set out to save him with the groups help.

Kordian Sobieski, and Keran Joseph made their way to the underground prison. The entrance had to be solved with a riddle, and the went "What did she say?" Kordian then enthusiastically answered "YES!" and the door opened before them.

Kokabizale thanked everyone, and suggested everyone look for Soul Calibur, which is what Rakizale ACTUALLY revealed, but was to distracted to properly name. Keran Joseph then told that Soul Calibur was just lying around in the Grey Warden vault in Weisshaupt, and the group went to retrieve it.

Kokabizale then used Soul Calibur save Eridan, giving him the ability to become the Azure Knight on command without danger and grant him the Broken Destiny. Kokabizale then went to open up Rakizale's prison, and the two declared war on the Maker. Kordian Sobieski the Metalbreaker and Keran Joseph the Pious would not stand for a threat against their God and opposed this. The once inseparable group was broken.

Kordian Sobieski then tried to stab Kokabizale in the face, but was stopped by an invisible barrier of energy. Unable to save the Maker, Kokabizale killed the Maker, and Kordian and Keran along with him.

Then Flemeth showed up and woke us up, revealing everything to be a shared dream given to Kordian Sobieski and Ralek Sirocci by a Sloth Demon all the way back in the Great War on Magic! None of the others had even met the two. We promptly killed the Sloth Demon, and went to assemble the group for realz. But will Kordain be able to stay allies with Ralek after knowing that he would threaten his God? Find out next time, on Dragon Age Z!


End file.
